Bill

I was sitting on my bed, staring at the clock. I couldn’t wait for him to get home. I didn’t know why I had suddenly felt a spark when Tom gave me direct eye contact. I had no idea why I felt a rush in my stomach when my brother walked by. All I knew was that I needed Tom around. He was my high. Nothing made me happier than Tom’s presence.

Tom walked in. “Hey Tom!” I said automatically.

“Bill…” he said.

“What were you doing?” I asked innocently.

“I was…out,” he replied.

Normally I would have rolled my eyes to the side and said, “Okaaay…”, but everything was different now. “Out where?” I asked. “Why can’t you tell me?”

Tom rolled his eyes. “I was at the park. Why does it matter?”

I could tell he was lying. We live miles from the nearest park, and even if he drove, it was in terrible condition.

Curiosity blossoming, I said, “Because I don’t want to be lied to. I’m your brother!”

Immediately I wished I hadn’t said it. Of course I knew it was true and all, but saying the fact that he was my brother aloud made everything weirder. More confusing. More unbelievable. I couldn’t tell what I was feeling. If it was love- ugh, I hated to think it- the fact that he was my brother not only made me gay, but also made Tom absolutely out of reach.

Tom gave me a weird look. “Mind your own business,” he said. He walked out of the room.

I instantly realized I had blown it. I made him feel weird and violated by not minding my own business, as he had said, and by trying to get him to tell me everything. I knew he deserved privacy- I just didn’t want to give it.

I climbed off my bed and followed Tom out of the room. At first my intentions were to pester him and make him tell me where he’d been, but then I figured, “Nah. Let it go.”  I decided to go get a snack instead.

As I went into the kitchen, land of cold pizza, I heard Tom talking to Georg in the office.  “Did you tell Bill?” Georg was saying.

“Of course not! How stupid do you think I am?” Tom said.

They were obviously trying to be quiet, but I could hear every word, even through the walls. I pressed my ear against the wall.

Georg was saying, “ought to know, Tom.”

“But I can’t tell him!”

“Why not? I doubt he would mind.”

“But he might, and that’s what worries me. Besides, he’s been acting weird lately.”

“How so?” asked Georg.

“Don’t try to tell me you haven’t noticed! He’s been really happy lately!”

“Ein, that isn’t a bad thing, Tom.”

“No, but-”

“Zwei- he’s only really happy when you’re around, and seems depressed when you’re not. Maybe he’s just really grateful for a brother like you lately.”

“Wait-what? He’s been ecstatic all the time!”

“How can you say that? You’ve barely been around. I’m actually sort of happy you ended it. But no, he isn’t always so pleased. Did you do something differently?”

“Not that I know of.” Said Tom, sounding like he had no idea where Georg was going. He probably didn’t.

“Hmmm. I don’t know, then. Maybe he likes the way you smell.” Georg laughed.

“The way I smell?”

“I like the cologne she gave you.”

She? SHE? Who was this? Did Tom have a girlfriend? Wait- Georg said Tom had ended something. He just broke up with his girlfriend. But he never told me he had one! Why would Tom hide that from me? I accidentally let out a little squeak.

“What in the world was that?” I heard Georg ask, in a panic. Stunned, I had no idea what to do. I crawled under the table.

Georg and Tom ran in. “What the-?” Tom said, looking around. He noticed me under the table. “Bill? Was that you?” he demanded.

“Yes.” I admitted.

“What happened?” Georg asked, now puzzled instead of alarmed.

“I…stubbed my toe.”

“That’s all?” asked Tom suspiciously. He was looking at my ear. Uh-oh.

“Yes.” I squawked.

“All right,” said Georg. “You okay?”

“Yes.”

“Right- well, I have to go grocery shopping. Dinner ideas?”

“Frozen pizza.” Tom and I said in unison.

“As always. Ich bin zurück in einer minute.”

“Tschuess.” I said.

When Georg had gone, Tom turned to me. He frowned.  “Bill, why is your ear white?”

Some of the paint must have rubbed of on my ear! Oops... “I don’t know,” I stammered.

“Were you, by chance, listening in to my PRIVATE conversation with Georg?”

“Well…”

“Bill! What is your problem lately! How much did you hear?”

“Why did you not tell me about your girlfriend?”

“Because you’ve been weird! I don’t understand what is in your head these days!” Tom was shouting with anger.

That hurt. I shrank back into the wall. “Tommy- please don’t yell. I’m sorry.”

Tom wrinkled his nose and scrunched his eyebrows. “Tommy? When did that happen?”

“Don’t yell at me. Please- don’t yell.”

Tom looked at me, shock in his eyes. “Bill, I don’t know what’s changed with you- but it’s- it’s very…odd!”

I couldn’t bear to hear Tom reject me any more. I couldn’t stand it. I felt tears welling up inside my eyes. I stood up and ran to our room. We weren’t recording, but we were staying at our studio for a while. I sat on my bed, facing the wall, and rocked back and forth, crying. Tom came bursting in a few minutes after me.

“Bill! What are you- Bill, what is your problem these days? Why are you crying?”

I couldn’t explain it. “Tom, as my brother, do you love me?” I wished I hadn’t asked as soon as I said it.

Tom hesitated. I wasn’t facing his direction, but I could tell he was perplexed. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable! I wanted him to feel the same way about me as I did about him.

“Um, yeah, I guess. But that doesn’t mean you can eavesdrop on me! That doesn’t mean you can just-“

“Thank you, Tom.”

“What for? I’m not trying to be nice! I’m trying to get a point into your thick head! You-”

“Tom. I’m very sorry. I know it was wrong. You wouldn’t tell me where you had been. I was curious.”

I turned and slid off the bed. I stood and walked over to Tom.  I hugged him tightly for about 11 seconds. Then I released him. I looked him directly in the eyes and said, “Tom. I love you very much. I don’t want to fight with you. Please just understand that. Just try to understand that.”

I wanted to kiss him very much, but I knew I couldn’t. Even hugging him might have been too much for him to take. Instead, I put my arms around his neck and whispered, “Don’t let something like this blind you. You know you can always trust me,” in his ear.

I let go and walked out of the room. I couldn’t bear not looking back. When I had gotten away as far as I could in a straight line from the doorway, I looked back at Tom. He was still facing the back will, looking at the ground. His back was shaking.